So Fake

Well fuck everything I said earlier about coping well.. It's over... He cant deal with my feelings for Jess. And I can't pretend that they're not there... So there it is. Fuking RAW. It's over. I dont even know if we can be friends. I dont know if I want to be friends. A word of advice... Never pick up guys from Wal-Mart.... Damn I guess I shouldn't be so hard on him. Did I honestly just expect him to wait around for me forever? To just roll over and let me stick the proverbial tire iron up his ass.. No. I didn't .. This has been in the making for the past week I suppose. Everytime I talked to him there was a distance. A feeling of compliancy. Fuck that. And fuck me... For being so stupid. How could I let him go? He wasnt perfect.. And thats what made me want him... Damn.. Maybe I should just be a lesbian for real instead of wishing I could edit 1/2 the gender war out of my grasp. I have an easier time getting my heart broken by chicks than I do being happy with guys. With a guy who actually cared. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I wish I could get over Jess. It makes no sense?!!? I know if Jess were a guy... I would leave *him* in a heart beat for treating me like this.. for someone who would respect me and be what I needed them to be to me. But no matter how hard I tried... AND I TRIED... I'd have to say in 2 years this was the first time I actually wanted to progress in a relationship with someone other than Jess.. But no matter how hard I tried.. I couldn't do it.. I FUCKING HATE JESS FOR MAKING ME SO WEAK... But this is what I deserve.. What I need.. I need to stop pretending like I can replace my feelings for Jess with semi-emotional relatonships... So there you have it.. I'm on strike.. Im not going to be inerested in... talk to... go out with.. be with ANYONE until I get over Jess.. It's not fair to the poor shmucks I like.. or me.. So yeah.. It's official.. I'm reclusing myself into emotional celibacy. I'm going to work this out... And stop putting it off.. Stop pretending that my love for her will go away if I just see someone else. And finally... Get over her... I have faith. I can do this... Cuz this hurts too much to do again.. I'm never going to give up someone because of Jess again... If it takes me years to get over her, then so be it...No more games. No more lies to myself... No more hurting people.. God I didnt want to hurt him... Well the ball is in his court now.. If we're to be friends then it's on him... I'm no going to ask him for anything... I dont deserve anything from him... Hmm.. Maybe this resentment toward Jess for all this will make me get over her... I hope so... Because Im never doing this again.. Ever.. Emotions arent made to be played with... Damn and he was soooo fine.. ~_~ Late...