with cheese please ^_^

SOOOOOOOO... Im over here at Nick and Meagnss and its Nick birthday party. and Im chillin as always... like a villian.. Yessssssssss... And Megan made yummy ass burgers and Nick made spinach dip and then Meagan had made a cake with the candles shaped like a penis.. funny funny.. I miss John.. He's over at Sandy and James house.. Thats always funnnnnnnnnnnnn... yessssssss... Hmmm... Im pretty fukkin drunk.. Nicks drunk, Meagsn @ Keri's heating up bagel bites Daves sleeping behind me, Lope is high, Tony's high. Tim's drunk.. everyone is away from where I am and Im bored.. But Im goign to stop wiritng now cuz I think my loud ass typing is bothering Dave... Hmm.. Well I just want to say...... I miss John.. And I love him ever so much.. and maybe Im just drunk.. or maybe not?? But he is the greatest thing since DSL.. hahah... Late ^_^

Damn the Mexican Flavored Pretzels to Hurrrrr!!!

Yeah.. Uh yeah.. I dont even know what to type about but whatever.. Hmm My weekend was... interesting as always.. ^_^ ... Hmmmm.. I miss Nick and Megan. They're in San Antonio , they come back today tho so yay! They took Vince w/ them, grrr.. I never get to go !_! boo hoo.. jk its all good.. and u know this mayun..!! Megan is so funny.. ^_^ .. She makes me giggle.. a lot.. And Nick is just.... well, he's Nick. need I explain? Hmm so yeah.. I kicked it w/ John like all weekend ^_^ It was fun.. We did a buncha stupid nonsense.. I want to go to the lake.. but it's already gettin late in the afternoon BOO!! Me and John bought this really kool blacklight/glow in the dark puzzle and we're puttin it together n shit.. Pretty interesting..Everytime I watch Requiem for a Dream I want to do drugs.. Is that a bad thing? I mean.. in the movie they're junkiez w/ fucked up unhappily ever after endings.. but yet.. i still wanna do the drugs...Nick and Megan need to watch this movie.. If they come back, then maybe I'll go kik it and we can all watch it. Hmmm.. It sez John's online.. but he's not damnit.. He's jus dl-ing songs... GRRR.. I love that kid.. I bought him a rose last nite when we were @ Wal-Mart @ like 3am.. He said no one's ever bought him a rose before.. Im glad I was the first then ^_^ ... GRR. Love is weird!!!! Hmmm Im reallllllllly worried about Jason and Matt.. No one's heard from them.. and last we heard MAtt lost his job, and they were supposed to be movin out on their own w/ Jason's tax return.. so Im worried they took the $$ and flew the coop to far far away.. Why do I have the feeling they would do something like that and not tell anyone.. hmm.. I dunno.. I miss Jason. He's never around anymore.. But whatever... OK Im gonna go to the park and swing... Late ^_^

My biznitch iz tha shizznit

Ok.. Me and John are chillin here at his house.. and uhh yeah.. He's gonna tell y'all a lil story.. a story about love, a story about dreams, and a story about realzing the truth fter like forever and a day.. or whatever.. Here's John--How should I start this? Well, " do I say that .. Are we going from the story when we were camping?" [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<ok [...] says..>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]Ok.. Me and John are chillin here at his house.. and uhh yeah.. He's gonna tell y'all a lil story.. a story about love, a story about dreams, and a story about realzing the truth fter like forever and a day.. or whatever.. Here's John--How should I start this? Well, " do I say that .. Are we going from the story when we were camping?" <OK now I'm jus typing what he says.. OK ..> " We were camping.. and everyone had went to sleep except for us... and we were cuddling like we always do.. and talking.. <more cuddling than talking I think!!> " .. and we could not sleep.. ummm... <now he's looking at me me like Im crazy and he has no idea what to say?> " somehow our noses ended up touching and we started eskimo kissing.. for a verrry long time.. and I remember my heart was beating really fast.. <mine was too!> and.. I think it just happened at the same time and we both just started kissing each other.. it was like one of those movies.. and.. then we stopped for a minute.. <I laughed..heh> " and you also said "that was crazy.." ... and then we kissed again.. <and it was AWESOME> *johns laughing at me* ". and.. then we looked at each other and decided that we needed to talk.. and pat's old punk ass woke up.. and he had no idea what was going on. but we just kept looking at each other funny.. I actually thought Pat knew for a mintue there, but I realized the other day that he actually didnt when I told him.. And then when Pat finally decided to go back tot he tent, after he got a drink, we sat on the tables.. witht he wind blowing.. and I was freezing my balls off at first, but we decided to cuddle with each other insdie the blanket... and.. once we started talking.. I realized that I wasn't cold anymore.. <John pauses in the story and goes *mwah hah ha ha ha ha*> <he says its my turn to tell parts of the story.. now.. >Ok now its me typing and Leila telling the story...John types really slow but its ok...So anyways we were chillin and cuddling...John keeps going ahhhhh when he makes a typo.. and I was telling him that i didnt know what to think and then he told me that he loved me. Which I already knew because I loved him too, and we talkied for a little while and we talked about being together and he told me that he knew that this was right and it made me feel better. Uhmmm...and we decided to try and be together but first we had to tell Dawn and Jason.. <It was really alot more magical when its not being typed>..and we were scared to tell them cause we were scared to hurt them. But we knew that we were ment to be--*kiss kiss*--and we'll finish this later cause Sandy and James r here hahahahaha

Yessssssssss

Take the What High SchoolStereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel. You're a bit of a paradox. You try to get everyone to like you, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. You usually wind up being the mediator; both non-menthol and menthol alike can be understood by you. It takes a special kind of person to smoke just you however, and you're still waiting.Find out what cigarette you are. Take the Cigarette Test byGirlwithagun

oh yeah...;

BTW before I forget... Did I mention that John n Dawn broke up? Yeah,,. shes a skeez.. damnit.. late...

Poopie

Wellll.... its been awhile and a lots happened..My # 1 kiddo in the rainbow gang passed away on Sat. -_- .. sigh. it sucks fukkin ballz and then I found out today that his mom ----BITCH!!!!!--- cremated him and had servies for him YESTERDAY.. grraarrr.. its that fukkin grrreat? Man. so nayway.. I feel really bad for Rick.. Taco sez that he wont even talk to anyone .. which is fukkin horrible.. Hopefully he'll be ok? I dunno.. So anyway.. Im over here @ Nick n Megans house.. and Daves staring over meih shoulder.. heh .. ok now he's gone.. whatever.. but yeah.. he wants me to go smoke.. brb.. MMMMMMMMMMM.. it smells splendiferous in Megans kitchen.. shes makin home made chicken pot pies. mmm.. chicken... *drool*.. so anyway yeah..I talked to J the other nite... we went riding around and ended up chillin in tha bed of his truck lookin up @ tha stars.. sweetness.. GRR... MMMMM sessah...^_^Yeah.. ok.. what else while Im here.. hmmmmmmmmm.. ok.. Like Im jus chillin.. now.. listenin to Lope go pee pee in tha bathroom... heheh.. Guys pee too loud.. heheh.. Now like Dave Nick and Aaron are up in here with me.. so Im feelin kinda.. uhhh.. close mouthed... GRARR...^_^Anyway.. Ive been feelin down n out all weekend.. but whateva.. I'll get better.. Me thinks? I dunno.. I jus feel terrible for Rick..heheh.. now Im going to see Dave's opinion of "the apitomy of the essence of me.. Leila at his best.." or so he says.. It's a blk n white pic of me.. like.. hmm.. ok? Anyway.. its madness over here so Im out like.. hmm.. out like.. white out? heheh ^_^ Late

Okiez...

So anyway.. I thought I'd shortly recap on my weekend.. I had fun.. Ok on Thursday... I went to John's and we chilled there it was Sandy, James, John, Jason, Matt, Anne, and me.. And Matt's car was acting all crazy.. Hmm I looked cute that nite I had on a tie ^_^ And uhhh.. yeah we ate pizza and chilled and what not... Ok Friiiiiiday... hehe.. Me, John, Sandy, James, Tim, Aaron, Don, Bob, and Rhonna? (I dun remember.. Bob's wifey) ... Yeah we all went out to the lake.. and whe we get there.. there's patrol all spotlightin every little nook n cranny up in there so we ended up goin to that dood Don's uncle's 100 million acres of party land out on Paddy Hamilton, or something... And we got blitzed.. Well I know I got blitzed.. I dunno about everyone else.. but I was trashed... I got suuuuuuuuper drunk that nite cuz Jess made me feel like poo... But whatever... J and J ... Both of you make me feel like poo... ^_^ Andddddddddddddddddd DOOD! Dood from Alice n Chains OD'd.. which sucks cocks n balls.... BAHHHH..SO then last nite... I was supposed to go see KriticKill w/ J... but John and Dawn broke up so I went to see him... And of course me and J got into it cuzza that.. Bahh.. but he still loves me.. he got me a signed Kritic Kill cd. and picked me up drowning pool too ^_^ . He's too great.. Even when he's mad at me, he still does totally nice stuffs for me... Well anyway poopie heads.. Im out.. Late ^_^

Communication Involves Listening..... Darn..

Ok..Here's the deal with this one.. Me and J got into it the other day.. And Im always late updating this thing but whatever.. Ok so yeah we were arguing cuz he wanted me to break my plans for him.. Which was NOT happening... Soo. Anyway.. I was venting to John and I was on the phone and for whatever reason I started typing my side of the convo on Micro Word. And it ended up being incrediblely funny soo... here it is... My side of the convo.. &*&*reminds readers that I cant type as fast as I talk so some parts are all kinds of nonsense...&*&*For I was like déjà vu Im like I am not your girlfriend hes all like.. I don’t know but that shit when he said go your boyfriend you aint even my man cuz im fro real im nobodys bitch I cant do that.. if that the way it is then fukk it,,, I cant do it.. I don’t want to do it.. I cant believe .. he had the audacity to fukkin be like oh your boyfriend.. I don’t know what the fukk….. fukk that I cant do that.. why the fukk do I have to you know change my plans I already plans and its not like I see Jason and matt all the time .. I hate when he acts like this hes like too posessive to me.. I don’t know.. I just feel like he needs to take a reality check for real. Cuz im not tha one… ya know? Im gonna put this in my journal.. I cant believe him. Who the hell does he think he is? And why do I care.. you know what im sayin how does he think he can just come back in my life and like flip tha script I aint no bitch.. some of it.. I don’t know..and then its like I got plans I got plans with with you know you guys I im not changing that,, why should I .. who is.. theres like a lot of typos.. a lot of repeats oh hellllllll… another call.. &*69.. we’re sorry the # number cannot be reached by this method? Bob marley? what? Yeah uhh huh.. but I dunno man.. I just don’t see how this is gonna work if its like this.. you know? Bird trippin? What? Shut up.. I don’t know I jus feel like.. its like not gonna work.. im mean.. we’re like barely even on good terms from that last shit and here he is… jus being an ass,.. all over again.. what do I do? Hahh.. what the fuck dawg.. what do I do for real.. ? come on .. help a nigga out.. what do you… think I should dooooooo… duhhhhhhhhh…. Yeah.. I know rite? I know.. we’re not even goin out.. I don’t know.. sometimes i feel I gotta run away.. well I dunno I wanna be his friend. Shit I want to be .. I want be more than thaT.. U KNOW?> I WANT WANT TO BE EVERYTHING.. BUT I … I jus dont see how itll work.. you know? It gonna be really funny. Im soo puttin this in my journal; and I hope I hope his ass reads this.. yeah you muthafucka.. you reading? This is for you … bitch.. john sed that.. hah.. yeah why not? He wont care.. hes not like.. I don’t why the fuck am I defending him? Explain that.. I know.. I do like him.. what am I gonna do? Don’t call me daughter.. pearl jamming… hahah/.. wanna hear it here it go.. hah.. uh oh po pos in tha hizzouse.. mah shnigguh.. shnigguhs not a word a word. Its highlights in this word shit.. its all redJessica..??? I don’t know.. I haven’t talked to her.. I don’t think its goin anywhere… I hate her a little but more.. does that count..? ive seen her.. I ignored her.. yeah.. I don’t know.. it sucks.. I have no idea.. do you think matt n Jason will show up tonite.???. if they don’t ill kill them for real.. ill be so madd. I never see them,, what? Po pos at ur house? WHAT?? Hahahahah…. Aww why he gotta be a dork? Steve urkel.. hah.. country dance? What? Madness.,.,,, hahah.. that’s funnay… hahah.. narrrfff… fukkin truck.. u got a fukkin truck.. it is a pickup truck/.. and I know u like to fuck.. face down ass up.. hahahah… whatever.. yeah.. im typing everything dawg.. I miss some words but I got most of it.. I want to remember being mad at him.. I want to remember exactly what was going on in my head.. you know? So I don’t jus let it go.. whats ew? WHATS EW? Eww… that is eww… hahah… white trucks? Earls white truck.. oh yeah!!!!!! No im not putting nuthin.. the only people who will ever know the truth is me and you john… no one else is ever gonna be able to figure this out.. but that ok.. who cares? That’s why its my journal rite? This is good shit o put in there. I should do this all the time.. its kinda hard though.. I need a secretary.. hahah// yeah a sexy one.. hah… fat one? You said a daddy fat one? Hahah… hahah,.. ok you wanna hear it.. ok this is the end of this.. the ennd.. hahahAnd there's my side of that.. damnit! Late ^_^

WOW

Wow. ok.. a lot has gone down in the las few days.. Me and my bitch got into this HUGGGGGGGGGGE argument and it was really ugly.. I called her a slut and a bitch and told her that she didnt love me and fuck her ect ect.. and she had the odacity (sp?) to tell me!! that she loved me and I didnt love her!! Can you believe her? WTF.. I told her that I would cut off my arm and sew it back on again, cut it off again, eat it, throw it up, put it back together, and sew it back on again to be with her.. Is she just senile ? This is what I get for messin w/ older evil slut bitches...But seriously.. Another part of me thinks I deserve this because 1. I always talked so much shit about people falling in love and how they were stupid ect.. 2. She was married when I first started fukkin her, so maybe this is a lil karma goin on... Buttttt!!!! There is other news... I talked to mister man... I knew that would happen too... And it was reallllllllllllly good.. We didnt argue.. We just talked.. Got a lot off our minds.. and I think we sort of made peace? No future plans of a hook up or anything.. but at least we're speaking... Hmmm.. I dont know...And now for the HORRIBLE!!! news.. I am in serious poop with the HH PD... I got a letter for me to appear in court on the 30th regarding the paperwork for that insurance thing... All I can say... Uh oh... Im in serious trouble.. I called my mom.. ===== BTW mom's in AZ rite now.. she left yeterday======= and she was like " Well , we'll figure it out... It'll be ok.. I'll take care of it.. " I hate relying on my mom to shelter me all the time.. but I have NEVER in my whole life been so happy to hear those words.. EVER!! Ok in other random news.... Uhmm.. Nick and Megan are in Michigan for like a week... Aaron is in DC til Sunday , then maybe Kansas after that?? .... Tim and Keri are in Florida - her mom's in a coma -_- ---- my mom's in AZ... Seems like everyone's somewhere but me... Oh well.. I still got John to be a porch monkey with me.. Hmmmm what else.. Im pretty bored today.. I'll probably paint Tweakers dog house.. It'll be something to do... I want to go swimming.. Tonite me, John, Sandy, James, Matt, and Jason are supposed to chill. We'll probably go out to the island at the lake.. But I know I aint swimming.. They just found that kid's body out there.. -sigh- I went to highschool with that kid.. He was only 19.. Drowned... Fukked up world isnt it? Well.. I'm off... Late ^_^

Well whatever...

Ok tonite sucks big donkey choad.. Heres tha deal.. Last nit I went out.. had fun.. Went to see John and play pool with him, Pat, and this new friend Bob? ^_^ ... It was fun.. Bob was a pool shark.. and I sucked horribley.. so it was incredibley funny.. I saw Fisker there.. He was there with a bunch of friends and I said hi and whatever cuz he was at the pool table right next to us.. I know John wanted to know who he was... but us chicks like to keep some things to ourselves ^_^... So anyway.. My sister ACTUALLY for real turned 21 today!! Its crazy.. So me and my mom and KK and Mundo went to Applebee's to eat and OH MY GOD.. it was hilarious.. First off you cannot put me my mom and my sister all in the same room and not expect us to act like complete morons.. but when you add some HUGE margaritas into the mix.. it gets even funnier... May I be the first to say that my mom is the muthafukkinmaddness.. She is insane.. I think she got slightly buzzed cuz she started talking about muck-a-lucks and making sandals with beads.. and then five seconds later she was telling everyone within earshot of how my sister mistook some kid in the mall 90 million years ago to be Michael Jackson and threw fit.. "Mom!! Its Michael Jackson!!" ^_^ LMAO So.. of course I had to have the people there embarrass the shit out of KK and sing to her.. They made her stand up and everything.. It was hilarious .. because she was horrified... and drunk... ^_^..So anyway.. did I mention that throughout this whale day I hadnt slept? I stayed up for like 36??hours... I was soooooooooooooooooooooo tired after I had a full belly.. But I knew I had to go out and party w/ my sis for her birthday.. Well.. I didnt make it.. I passd out into a damn coma almost as soon as we got home.. and now here I is.. Not with my sis -_-.. and very awake... MADNESS... They should have like pounced on my head or something and kept me awake.. I feel so bad for missing out on this... Im a punk! -_-... Well anyway.. I havent talked to u know who yet... I miss him.. And it sucks.. But Im giving him his space.. GRRRAAAARRRR!!! Well anyway.. Im outta here.. Late ^_^

So Fake

Well fuck everything I said earlier about coping well.. It's over... He cant deal with my feelings for Jess. And I can't pretend that they're not there... So there it is. Fuking RAW. It's over. I dont even know if we can be friends. I dont know if I want to be friends. A word of advice... Never pick up guys from Wal-Mart.... Damn I guess I shouldn't be so hard on him. Did I honestly just expect him to wait around for me forever? To just roll over and let me stick the proverbial tire iron up his ass.. No. I didn't .. This has been in the making for the past week I suppose. Everytime I talked to him there was a distance. A feeling of compliancy. Fuck that. And fuck me... For being so stupid. How could I let him go? He wasnt perfect.. And thats what made me want him... Damn.. Maybe I should just be a lesbian for real instead of wishing I could edit 1/2 the gender war out of my grasp. I have an easier time getting my heart broken by chicks than I do being happy with guys. With a guy who actually cared. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I wish I could get over Jess. It makes no sense?!!? I know if Jess were a guy... I would leave *him* in a heart beat for treating me like this.. for someone who would respect me and be what I needed them to be to me. But no matter how hard I tried... AND I TRIED... I'd have to say in 2 years this was the first time I actually wanted to progress in a relationship with someone other than Jess.. But no matter how hard I tried.. I couldn't do it.. I FUCKING HATE JESS FOR MAKING ME SO WEAK... But this is what I deserve.. What I need.. I need to stop pretending like I can replace my feelings for Jess with semi-emotional relatonships... So there you have it.. I'm on strike.. Im not going to be inerested in... talk to... go out with.. be with ANYONE until I get over Jess.. It's not fair to the poor shmucks I like.. or me.. So yeah.. It's official.. I'm reclusing myself into emotional celibacy. I'm going to work this out... And stop putting it off.. Stop pretending that my love for her will go away if I just see someone else. And finally... Get over her... I have faith. I can do this... Cuz this hurts too much to do again.. I'm never going to give up someone because of Jess again... If it takes me years to get over her, then so be it...No more games. No more lies to myself... No more hurting people.. God I didnt want to hurt him... Well the ball is in his court now.. If we're to be friends then it's on him... I'm no going to ask him for anything... I dont deserve anything from him... Hmm.. Maybe this resentment toward Jess for all this will make me get over her... I hope so... Because Im never doing this again.. Ever.. Emotions arent made to be played with... Damn and he was soooo fine.. ~_~ Late...

I was all by myself... I was thinking about you...

Im going to cut my stupid hair off.. Damn the promises to John and everyone else.. it is highly pissing me off... I've been feeling like total crapp-a-pooey lately.. I havent gone anywhere.. Seen anyone.. I havent even talked to anyone except John.. Bahh.. KK's birthday is on Sat. She's turning the golden year, 21. Yay for her!! She came home piss drunk tonite crying about wanting a chicken sandwich from Jack N Tha Crack.. with cheese.. eww.. She threw up all over Mundo's car... poor kid. Supposedly they gave her 2 bottles of champagne but every time she tells the story the # of bottles goes up. Tomorrow it will be 22.. hahah.. I stayed home all nite and did my laundry.. yay! hahah.. I probably should have called Nick since Megan's out of town and she asked me to make sure he wasn't burning down the house while she was gone. Hah. But I haven't felt sociable at all lately. Sorry Nick..So anyway. I'm bored.. I've been feeling extremely creative lately. I don't know where it's all coming from. Being an aries though I'm supposed to be someone who turns their extreme emotions into some kind of creation. So maybe I'm extremely emotional without knowing I am. A lot has been going on lately. And I think I'm dealing with it pretty good. Maybe better than I should be? Maybe I'm just misplacing .. misdirecting.. my feelings.. I feel strangely calm about all the chaos going on though. My love life is in utter ruin. But I'll get over it. I had an interesting talk with John the other day and we *discovered* that in the past two years .. *Which I'll call the Jess years* ... I have a quaint little habit of sabotaging any kind of relationship I start with anyone. Unconciously I have been ruining my own relationships. And the more I look at it.. The more I realize that its true. I totally have been. So who do I blame? Me ..? Or Jess for stealing my heart? Me of course. My subconcious didn't want me to be with anyone but her I suppose. And I don't. I'm totally in love. Damn.. It still sounds extremely funny admitting that. Denial makes you an emotional wreck and acceptance makes you more clear headed than you've been in 2 years? Thats the case with me...Well I have no more words for the evening.. morning? Late ^_^

Bahhhh

I didnt do shit today.. I stayed home and threw up all day... Eww.. I talked to Aaron earlier.. He was @ BC getting throwed w/ that raver dood John.. I talked to my John too.. Him N Dawn were arguing.. again? Yeah I went to Johns the other nite and scanned them doodles.. So now my doodles are on the web.. Heaven help us all.. But yeah.. madness is what madness does... And so forth.. I will write in this more often.. Damnit.. But Im tired.. so late ^_^

Would you like fries with that?

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