I am so fucking lost.....

MANNNNNNNNN.. damn the insanity of it all.. I am feeling repressed, distressed, and under duress.. John's been staying the last few days with me, and hes been the only thing good going on for me right now.. I miss Nick and Megan.. Im leaving Friday til Tuesday.. and I want to see them .. But I think theyre fighting.. and I dont want to get in the middle of it.. Damnit.. I hate it when they fight..Because I love them both soooooooo much.. They are some of the REALEST people I know.. They are awesome.. But lately things have been "off" with them -_- .. You know how someone from the outside of the relationship can see into it and thru it better than the people involved in it? Yeah well.. I feel like Im watching all this go down from inside a cloudy smoke filled room.. and the harsh bluntness of it all stings my eyes.. so I look away.. Its not my business rite? Rite... I could give a relationship analysis to them and tell them what "appears" to be the problem.. but what good would that do? The messenger gets crucified. and Im not up to date on current events with them anyhow b/c I havent talked to them in a couple days.. So fukk the fukking fukkers. GRRR.. I have this pressing feeling inside me to run down my street screaming and running in front of a car. Me and John got in our first fight the other day. I told him that I thought I was fukked up b/c I KNOW he loves me more than I love him. I actually foresaw this all.. I knew if we ever hooked up.. John being who he is.. would become all mushy and smother-ie.. And it drives me crazy sometimes. I need my space sometimes.. And sometimes he'll come up to me and just want to hug me.. and Ill be a bitch and push him away. And he gives me this hurt look.. then gets all pissy for like two seconds.. and then hes right back to normal in no time flat.. We also fought b/c i told him that I feel fukked up b/c I find myself looking @ other people.. and wanting to be with those people... And we all know how much of flirt I am.. And you know what he said that REALLY hurt me? He said " Well I knew getting with you that there might be a chance of you hurting me. " And I was like.. damn.. so he thinks I am capable of cheating on him and stuff like that... GRRR.. In some ways being with your best friend sucks..b/c he already knows EVERYTHING about me.. and he has already heard my not so clean nice and innocent past with boys.. In other words.. I was a total bitch to past bf's/hookups ... I led guys on.. juggled like 2 or 3 guys at once.. on occaison cheated... and lied to them.. and John knows all this.. So now I wonder if he thinks I would do the same to him.. I wonder sometimes if I would... B/c I know myself.. I ALWAYS fukk up everything good that happens to me.. intentionally.. It gets too close for comfort so I decapitate it and eat its heart.. Im evil like that I guess.. And it scares me.. b/c I really LOVE John... And I worry that one day.. Ill get irritated with him.. or bored with him... and I'll mentally revert to my old evil ways.. GRRRR Im such a fukkin bitch. GRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRR And then Im like damn.. Its this early in the relationship and Im thinking this shit already? But then he touches me... kisses me.. hugs me.. holds me.. And I get the tingles and I feel so much Love for him that I think I'll burst with happiness.. I dont know.. GRR .. OK .. Im going to sleeep...... Mfffggghrrruugllmm ^_^ Late