ok.. whatever

So Im in a good mood.. or something there abouts.. but today has been a long day of thinking.. Decisions decisions.. but Im not making any of them for once.. So I heard a little story today.. And quite frankly I was astonished with the honesty and simplistic integrity of it all.. Its always good to throw out the details for once and just let the overall big picture come in a blow down their houses... I will support him in his decision... I will support her in her decision.. I love them both.. Obviously.. but not responsibly... I am no one to blow a whistle.. I say go with the flow.. and whichever way life takes you.. Know that I will always be here for you whenever and wherever you are.. Damn that sounded cheesey like that Titanic song.. Subliminal messages from one friend to another.. Not subliminal but maybe secret squirrel messages.. To let you know.. that I know... and fathomable realities and "codes of conduct" will keep me silent.. but I am here always.. Let me in to dish sometime..Sometimes I feel hurt to realize that I know so little about those that I love.. But sometimes secrets can keep even the most tired awake at nite pondering tomorrow and all the tomorrows after.. Amor vincit insomnia my dears... Shocked but not surprised at the same time.. Its all a big puzzle of words... Behind which door lie the booby prize.. and which the truth? I wont ask directly...but indiscreetly.. through more puzzles of words.. and if you fail to respond.. My love and friendship to you will not falter a bit.... Sometimes I think in being discreet, we speak volumes louder that if we were dissecting it openly for the world to see.. But this is my way of saying.. "I get it.. and I'm here if you need me.." And wether my support is wanted or welcomed its there regardless.. and please both of you... know that I am always someone you can call a friend.. Late ^_^

Funny Little Noises...

So I met Nick today @ the Kettle to "talk" ... It was a very interesting conversation.. very deep.. and very "what-if-ish" Bu aside from that.. I was talkin to John.. and here's what came about from that Life is a Poem"I wish you were here with me dizzily looking up at the stars"he saidand she laughedand wished she were there too."i wish i could do a backflip""why?" she asked" ive always wanted to... ""What else do you wish ?" she asked"I wish... I wish I always knew what to say""You do.. sometimes .." she replied"..the past and the present.. and the future.. but the minute the questions asked of me.. i always pause.." he said..."why did i get up?" she laughed"to spin around again..." he said" i love this song,..." she said"i can tell its on repeat..." he replied" its one of those songs that ease you.. a soothing sound.." he said" of course its REM... so what else?" she asked" i wonder why trees look like broccoli..""no what else do u wish" she laughed" i wish everything was perfect...by some definitionbecause there is no reality of perfect..it just depends on ur definition..."i wish... that nobody ever lied.. "he said.." i wish that there was never a dull moment..."" if everythings perfrect though... theres nothing to keep you entertained.." he said" i wish that we always stay like this" she said"like this?" he said" mmmhmmm..." "this is my perfect...." she said"yes..."Tee hee and all that jazz... Late ^_^

pictures and stuff

ok so my weekend was fun.. chilled w. sandy, john, matt, and jason on friday.. got drunk.. drank yummy cosmopolitans.. yay! on sat. me john and jason went over to nik and megans for her bday bas.. lope, tim, keri, dave, and tony were there.. got drunk.. again.. yay.. haha.,. sunday me, john, my mom, matt jason, and sandy went to the lake and chilled.. we got drunk (see the pattern? hahah ^_^ ) at popeyes and swam around.. jumped on the orange floaty thing trying to walk on it.. heheh.. i invited nick n meggers to come. but alas.. they did not.. oh well.. im going to call them and maybe go see them later today oh yay! pictures!!heres john and me (notice his hair.. it is now cut off!) : heres a picture of megan that i was going to put up the other day.. but here it is now heheh (she has longer hair now ! ) : heres a picture of jason.. he should be a model.. the lady @ the bus stop in san antonio said so haha!! an heres just a cool juxtaposed pic of me hahah hmm someone remind me to put up pic of matt and nick.. next time hahah im out ^_^ late

Chicken grease in the drain again

Damn the man. I know John loves me!! He let me cut his hair!! O_o !! I know its wild.. but yeap.. his hair is cut... For those of you who dont know..,. his hair is (WAS!!!) longer than mine!! Here's a pic of my hair : bt it actually a little longer than tha now cuz that pic is a wee bit old.. But yeah. his hair is gone.. GONE I tell you.. And he let ME cut it.. is he madd? Hahah just kidding..I can cut hair.. heheh. I trimmed Megans hair the other nite in the dim porch light w/ no comb hhah! skills.. no im kidding.. but yeah his hairs cut.. and he likes it!! yay!! and I LOVE it!! yay!! Ill post a pic of his hair as soon as we get this film developed.. Grarr so in other news.. is there other news? Uhmm not really.. Me and John are going to see Megan today for hr b-day shin-dig and everyone n their momma will be there probably and I dont know what the tension level is up in the madness but Im sure everything will be fine.. I got Megan a Good Charlotte cd for her b-day.. She liked it. Im glad.. I love Megan cuz she's so deliciousssssssssss .. hahah.. poo pooo pooooo heres a pic of Megan but her har is a lot longer now too hahah..WTF never mind.. now I'm mad.. Like two of my folders on Yahoo photos are like.. not there.. just gone I tell you.. Whats up w/ that? Well boo I dont have a pic of Megan now until I upload all them damn pics again.. But I'll do that soon .. so its all good.. Heres some crap I wrote.. I kinda like itShivery sweeteach day resembling more of the lastas day turns to niteturns to falli watch the leaves danceleaving red and gold tracersimprinted in the mindcrushed beneath my weathered stepsthe cold air is inviting in many waysleaves my lungs burning with cleanmy mind cleared for the first time in monthsi can think without feeling redundant in my discourse.and the sun twists bowing under the earthand day leaves us againscreaming onto a china mans dreamsand leaving us lost in the shadows wishing on yesterdays starsspring...and i feel almost safe.close to completionunder your hands being molded i feel there is no barrierjust skin on skintiptoe through the thought processit reminds me of that songthat you can never remember the words tobut leaves you with the taste of springon the tip of yur tongue and a sweet melody in mindfrolic in the high grassthe rains begin and i feel boxed indreary weather for a not so calm personastrip my clothes and invite youlets make mud angelsunder the pelting spring rainamidst the clover and honeysuckle bushesand nite seems to dissapeareach day growing longer in our freedomthe rains dryonce disliked now a memoryof being in your armstogether and dirtybut i never felt so cleani feel you never leftjust like the sun never didyou seem to be in likeness with the suni frolic through the last spring daysawaiting the pools to open and good fishing on the lakelooking high for my new found friendbut like the spring flowers you bloom quickly and leave my with a sweet scent in mindbut no fresh cut flowers for my vase in the morningnight jumps into controland keeps me insidewhere it is safe from goodbye'si stop smelling the air for your returnand become content with that which surrounds mesummer slams me to the groundknocking my breath away leaving my thoughts stickily swimminghot in the back of my mindand justified in wanting the ACyou seem to be a hot day'sroad mirrage that you always seebut quickly disapears right before you reach itlike the rainbows i used to chasebefore my sister told methat there is no leprachaunno goldand no end of the rainbowi remember cryingthinking i had been duped againremembering picking cloveralways searching for that fourth leaf brings my mind to remember youour spring flingbut summer has comeand where does it leave us?the hot sun scorches down on usmelting us to the earthjust wax figures waiting to be demolishedby the harsh sunclose the eyesfeel the flameand smell the flowers once againthe end damnit ^_^ - Late

IM BACK!!!!!!!!!!

Well well well... Im back YAY!!! I had fun? Kind of? Tee hee.. Well I had fun .. The only thing that sucked was walking everywhere/getting a suburn/ and running out of money... But other than that I had a blast.. the first night we took the bus downtown and chilled at the river center... BUT!! DUN DUN DUN!!!.. (tee hee) we issed our bus back.. and we ended up walking like a mile to the Bandera Bowl .. but in the end we hitchhied a ride the last .005 mile of it from some doods in a truck who ended up knowing Jason. So anyway we went bowling.. met his cousin (she kool ^_^ ) and her friends... It was koo.. The second day we went to Ingram and then to Underground Sound.. We ended up buying tickets to go to a parti in Austin... 8-Bit @ Asylum.. YAY!! It was FUN!!! It was mainly house music and the house-o-holics were there and John was kool cuz it was his first party and he caught some vinyl the DJ threw out.. It was a small party but really fun..and then we drove back to SA and stayed the nite @ his cousins..The next day we chilled out @ his cousins, went downtown and went shopping and crashed early @ his sisters cuz we were madd tired n stuff... yay! so anyway... Uhmm.. monday we went to Northstar (and DAMN! if I never see another mall again I'll die expolsively happy ^_^ ) and uhmm yeah.. We actually dindt DO too much.. we tried to hit up the art museum but it was closed on Mondays (BOO!!) but yeah.uhmm and today we drove back. All in all I had fun.. Next time I'll bring more $ and have a CAR!hahah... but wlking around downtown and takin the bus n stuff was FUN! yay... Me and John got into it while we were down there...I made him cry.. Im such a bitch-whore.. But things are back ok with us I think? Im staying home tonite yay! and tomorrow Im going to sandy n james' cuz james is going to NTC so we're getting drunk.. I miss Nick and Megan.. GGRRRAARRRR they bettter call me!!! ^_^ Late

I am so fucking lost.....

Diese Zusammenfassung ist nicht verfügbar. Klicke hier, um den Post aufzurufen.

I am so fucking lost.....

MANNNNNNNNN.. damn the insanity of it all.. I am feeling repressed, distressed, and under duress.. John's been staying the last few days with me, and hes been the only thing good going on for me right now.. I miss Nick and Megan.. Im leaving Friday til Tuesday.. and I want to see them .. But I think theyre fighting.. and I dont want to get in the middle of it.. Damnit.. I hate it when they fight..Because I love them both soooooooo much.. They are some of the REALEST people I know.. They are awesome.. But lately things have been "off" with them -_- .. You know how someone from the outside of the relationship can see into it and thru it better than the people involved in it? Yeah well.. I feel like Im watching all this go down from inside a cloudy smoke filled room.. and the harsh bluntness of it all stings my eyes.. so I look away.. Its not my business rite? Rite... I could give a relationship analysis to them and tell them what "appears" to be the problem.. but what good would that do? The messenger gets crucified. and Im not up to date on current events with them anyhow b/c I havent talked to them in a couple days.. So fukk the fukking fukkers. GRRR.. I have this pressing feeling inside me to run down my street screaming and running in front of a car. Me and John got in our first fight the other day. I told him that I thought I was fukked up b/c I KNOW he loves me more than I love him. I actually foresaw this all.. I knew if we ever hooked up.. John being who he is.. would become all mushy and smother-ie.. And it drives me crazy sometimes. I need my space sometimes.. And sometimes he'll come up to me and just want to hug me.. and Ill be a bitch and push him away. And he gives me this hurt look.. then gets all pissy for like two seconds.. and then hes right back to normal in no time flat.. We also fought b/c i told him that I feel fukked up b/c I find myself looking @ other people.. and wanting to be with those people... And we all know how much of flirt I am.. And you know what he said that REALLY hurt me? He said " Well I knew getting with you that there might be a chance of you hurting me. " And I was like.. damn.. so he thinks I am capable of cheating on him and stuff like that... GRRR.. In some ways being with your best friend sucks..b/c he already knows EVERYTHING about me.. and he has already heard my not so clean nice and innocent past with boys.. In other words.. I was a total bitch to past bf's/hookups ... I led guys on.. juggled like 2 or 3 guys at once.. on occaison cheated... and lied to them.. and John knows all this.. So now I wonder if he thinks I would do the same to him.. I wonder sometimes if I would... B/c I know myself.. I ALWAYS fukk up everything good that happens to me.. intentionally.. It gets too close for comfort so I decapitate it and eat its heart.. Im evil like that I guess.. And it scares me.. b/c I really LOVE John... And I worry that one day.. Ill get irritated with him.. or bored with him... and I'll mentally revert to my old evil ways.. GRRRR Im such a fukkin bitch. GRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRR And then Im like damn.. Its this early in the relationship and Im thinking this shit already? But then he touches me... kisses me.. hugs me.. holds me.. And I get the tingles and I feel so much Love for him that I think I'll burst with happiness.. I dont know.. GRR .. OK .. Im going to sleeep...... Mfffggghrrruugllmm ^_^ Late